and after all that: survived. or, surviving. (Thursday, June 6, 2013 / 7:20 AM)
In less than a week, it'll be summer break. I less than a few days, I have to start packing my clothes, books, my belongings into a box to be sent to storage, finish up the remaining food in lower cupboard in the kitchen, take down my sketches pinned on the wall and the pictures of my family off the board. I have to return the books I borrowed from the library and open the luggage that's been at one corner of the room for the past ten months, collecting dust.
In less that a week, I'll be home.
*
I don't know about you, but leaving home, flying a million miles away to
another country for studies and expecting to settle down and be happy
is one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
Coming to Cardiff was a spontaneous choice. I didn't think long and hard, I took the easy road, saved myself the stress because my brother and sister in law studied here seven years ago. People say that you have to think long and hard about these things -university and course choices etc- they say your choices now shape your future. I took that lightly, because honestly, I haven't figured out where I am heading in life. I don't know what I want to do, what I want to be.
Instead, I chose to follow the flow. I believe everything happens for a reason. It was meant to be for me to receive the A Levels results I got, it was meant to be how Cardiff accepted me and it was meant to be that I am here in my room in Talybont North, Bevan Place, Cardiff, typing out this blog post.
Coming here, I didn't know what to expect. I knew it was going to be hard, but it didn't hit me that it would be this hard.
The first few weeks were filled with tears, worries, fear. The first few weeks were filled with desperate attempts at trying to find new friends. The first few weeks were filled with trying to figure out what to say, what to do, what to eat, how to cook, how to do laundry, how to work a card and many other petty things. The first few weeks were filled with trying to fill the board on the wall, an attempt to make the room feel like home.The first few weeks were filled with watching Season 5 of Psych over and over again waiting for time to pass by till the next time I'll be in Heathrow airport again.
All my life, I've lived a life full of predictability, being around the same people, having the same group of friends, the same outlook on life. I loved my life back home, because that's only kind of life I knew and I wanted. Coming to Cardiff forced me to face the one thing I feared: change.
I don't know about you, but leaving home, flying a million miles away to
another country for studies and expecting to settle down and be happy
is one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
I managed somehow though. I made new friends, I taught myself how to cook eventhough it was far from good cooking, I did laundry every week, I cleaned my own toilet, I took out the trash, I walked 20 minutes to university every day, I went with the horrible weather, I found regular places to eat, I did groceries, I smile, I cry, I laugh and I lived, I truly started a life here in this place.
Also, I tried new things. One of the proudest moments of my life was when I performed in front of 800 people, as part of a musical for Malaysian Night. God knows how many months, days, hours I invested on this production. Never in a hundred years did I ever imagine I would take up the performing arts, but on February 9, 2013, I went on stage and loved every moment of it. The road was long, tiring, exhausting but as cliche as it sounds, I learnt so much from it. I met people I would do literally do anything for and met people who took me for who I am. For a moment in time, I felt like I knew what I was doing in my life. FOD X made me feel belonged when I needed that sense of belonging. It made my first few months bearable.
I've always dreamt of travelling the world. But because a large part of me is afraid of taking risks, I've never really been on a holiday without my family. But on Easter break, a group of friends and I went on five day holiday to Barcelona. The first few days were just us walking around, getting lost in the city, stopping at every gelato parlour, every bakery, trying out different type of tapas, taking pictures, marveling at Gaudi's masterpieces and walking. Getting there was long, returning was longer, but it was all worth it. On the way back, my brother tweeted "Little sister appears to have made some really good friends, and enjoying herself. Good."
And for that, I felt that everything is going to be alright.
For a moment, I thought I was happy with life in Cardiff. I thought I found my place. But as per usual, we always get caught up in the moment. Things happen, people change, you change, I changed. The things I experienced shortly after Easter break, rolled back the enthusiasm I had over life here. But I can safely say that I am content. I learnt that I still have a very long journey ahead. You meet certain people in life, some hold on, others you just have to let go. And somewhere along the way, you realize that you just can't have everything. You find people who are gonna be with you throughout this journey because honestly, not everyone is willing to walk side by side with you.
It's hard to explain, harder to go into detail... but all I can say is one part of me that still hasn't changed is the fact that I have an easier time holding on than letting go.
And for that, I was hurt.
*
Being away was hard for me. It's still hard.
Some Saturdays I spent in my room, listening to Coldplay, with my sketches and a whole lot of chocolates. Some Fridays, I went out with friends. Some Mondays, I dreaded going to lectures. Some Thursdays I couldn't wait for tutorials. Some days I had a lot to say, other days I had none. Some Sundays I felt loved. Other Sundays, I felt alone. Some Wednesdays I went shopping. Some Tuesdays I chose to just stay in my room. There were a long series of good days and bad days, a long run of mixed emotions.
And after all that, I am still very lost.
But it's okay. I think it's okay.
I never expected that I can get used to everything so quickly. But I did get used to Cardiff, the people, the weather, the road, the food, the lifestyle, the trees, the restaurants, everything. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with this city. I know that coming here was not a mistake. That spontaneous choice I made a year ago felt like, no, it feels right. While I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, the city accepted me with open arms.
Of course I would like to thank the people who made the transition easier. Firstly, my flatmates for understanding me, for being so accommodating, for accepting, for being so jolly, funny and so full of life. I couldn't have asked for better people to start my year. Secondly, my good friends in Cardiff, the people in House 10, the girl in Cartwright, House 39, the cast and my coursemates.
I don't know about you, but leaving home, flying a million miles away to
another country for studies and expecting to settle down and be happy
is one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
I cried, a lot. But I survived my first year. I survived.
