Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom.

Tempatnya  lain, culturenya lain, orang-orangnya lain, percakapannya lain. Semuanya lain.

 

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At the airport, my whole exended family were there.  They hugged me, kissed me, they tell me to “jaga diri”, “ingat Allah” and “belajar betul-betul”.  I don’t remember how many times I was reminded me of how lucky I am to have a father who has the will, the financial ability to send his kids overseas to get the best education. They said that it will be difficult, but I would have to stay strong, “Mel pergi belajar untuk diri mel, untuk ayah dan untuk mak”.   

Everyone gave their fair share of support and advices. Lia and Kak Jah was there all the way, they stayed with me for two months in the intent to spend as much time with me. My cousins, Syasya and Yayan, kept saying that they probably won’t come to PJ anymore once I leave for my studies. My eldest brother, Abang Long and my sister in law, Kak Ad, are psyched for me and are confident that I’ll have the best time of my life in Cardiff.  As they too studied in Cardiff a good six years ago, they helped me with my Visa, my accommodation, things I can’t seem to handle on my own.  My second brother, Abang Id, focused on the little things that other people normally brush off. He brought me out shopping, we went for foot reflex and he brought me for sushi. He was there for me in his own way. My sisters’ roles in this whole transition were vital. They were in a way, more realistic. They did not disregard the fact that it is going to be very hard in the first few months, but they said to me that everything is going to be alright. Mak and ayah are not worried, because “Kak Ida will be waiting for you at Heathrow”. 

Despite the fact that I have never travelled alone, the first part of the journey was relatively easy. When the plane landed, my sister Kak Ida, who has been entrusted by my father to help me settle in, was waiting for me at the airport. She saw me and waved, smiled and walked to me. I was still okay. We got hot chocolate and got on our ride and headed to Wales. The journey took us two hours. I was still alright. 

Once we reached Cardiff, we went to collect my keys. We found out that the place I will be staying for the whole year is quite far from the university.  20 minutes’ walk.  We got into my flat and met my flatmates. Semua orang situ. My room was relatively smaller. The whole day we ran around buying necessities. By the end of the day, I was tired, and I was not okay anymore. I was intimidated, I was scared, and it finally sunk  in that I am not home. All I could think of is how will I be able to survive three years here?  I remember waking up in my new room the next morning and crying when I saw Kak Jah’s whatsapp, asking me whether I’m alright there. Cried some more when I got an email from ayah. He said he can’t bear talking to me on the phone just yet. He confessed that he is not as strong as Mak. He said that if it were up to him, he would have me study back home, but he made a promise to himself to give his children the best education. In other words, he’s saying that goodbye is inevitable. He also wrote, “Always remember to be strong for me, for mak, and for yourself.”

If only he knew… two weeks before my flight, I was having doubts. I considered the prospects of just doing my degree back home. But I didn’t dare voice it out, because deep down, I knew I would regret it someday. It was a fact that this was for my own good. But it was also a fact that during the days leading up to my departure, I was crying in my sleep because I didn’t want to leave.  I had everything back home. I have a family, and relatives who loves me wholeheartedly, whom I love just as much. I had the great friends who I can always rely on. I had a driver to drive me around. I never had to worry about laundry or tissue paper or shampoo. I knew the malls, I knew where to go for good food. I knew the roads, the bumpers, the traffic lights. I memorised them all. But here, I don’t know anything, or anyone. I don’t HAVE anything here.

It’s funny how you take advantage of everything you have and you don’t even realise it.

Kak Ida did everything for me while she was in Cardiff with me. She lined up for me at shops, she bought me my cooking utensils, my stationaries, my toiletries; the smallest things I never had to worry about. She did most of the talking because I didn’t have the strength or mood to say anything. I had no appetite. I just wanted to take the next flight to Malaysia. On the night before her flight back to Malaysia, her last night with me, we went out for dinner. It is ironic that I only had the strength to cry in front of her when we were at a fine dining restaurant. I’m not good with expressing my problems or my emotions but she knew. She understands all the too well, the feeling of wanting to follow her back home, because four years ago, my brother sent her to Greenwich, and when he had to leave, she wanted to leave with him too. She knows the hopelessness, restlessness, anxiousness that clouds my heavy heart. She understands because she went through it. Heck, all my siblings went through the transition. That was probably the first time she saw me cry in a long time. And it was the first time in a long time that I cried in front of somebody. 

I remember our farewell like it was yesterday. It was harder than saying goodbye to my family at the airport because this goodbye will seal the fact that after this, I will be alone. It was raining. We were waiting for her taxi. The feeling when the taxi pulled up in front of her hotel, ya Allah, hanya Tuhan yang tahu. The feeling was excruciating. I walked away first, and when I turned back, the taxi left. I was left walking alone in the rain, restraining the desire to run and follow her home. Ya Allah, hanya Tuhan yang tahu what I was feeling at the time.

I am forever indebted to Kak Ida. I’m sorry that I was so quiet, that I had less than little appetite, that I seemed less appreciative. But I guess, to a certain degree, I was trying to be less attached. We both knew that you were going to leave me, and I was jealous. I was jealous that you were returning home to our family, to the things you knew while I am left with nothing here.  But as you said, you had your share of the hardships. You studied abroad for four years and at the restaurant you said, “my journey here has come to an end, it’s your time”.  The night before you left, I wanted to sleep with you at the hotel and watch movies together but I told you I didn’t want to because it’s going to be harder to say goodbye. I’m sorry and thank you. 

Two weeks later, I am sitting in my room and writing this blog post. Slowly, I’m getting used to the walking and the weather. I cooked for the very first time yesterday. My flatmates are nice. I’m meeting new people, slowly. It’s a process. It is definitely easier than the first few days, but it is still hard. People tell me that university life is the best time of your life and that I should enjoy it: Parties, drinks, new people, and ultimately freedom. But you see, I never needed those things. I lived everyday of my life on the confidence that when I wake up in the morning, the people I love are here for me. But now I’m so far away, the people I depend on so much are so so far away. Dulu, when I first started high school and college, whenever I had a bad day, I don’t feel half as bad because I always had people back home who make me smile and laugh. But now, whenever I feel like my heart is heavy, my knees are hurting and when I fall, I come home to a small room and that’s it.  Kat sini, takde my bestest friends, Liyana, Athirah atau Natalya, Payal or Amelia who I can go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner with. So, the question is now, what should I look forward to? Where do I go from here? 

I guess this is what people mean when they say “it is going to be difficult”. It is funny how we all think we are ready to grow up, but when it actually comes around, it is much more difficult than we ever imagined. It’s even funnier because I was never in a hurry to grow up. I was not fully ready yet. Maybe that’s why it’s harder for me. Trying to find your way around, trying to find friends you really blend with, trying to accommodate, trying to make the best of everything despite the hurdles you may have to overcome. Trying to find a reason as to why you’re here in the first place. I guess it’s safe to say that I have become too complacent to the things I had back home. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is an opportunity for me to get out of my comfort zone, to try new things. Who knows?  All I can say for now is that it’s a process. I pray to God that I am granted the strength to overcome those hurdles and in time, hopefully, I will be able to find my ground here. 

Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom. 

It is such a beautiful city. The people are lovely. My classes are amazingly interesting. 

 Jadi, if you’re asking me how I’m doing now, I’ll say I’m alright. But hopefully, two months from now, I can say that I’m doing great. Insyaallah.