it was never about the rain but that's how people know my name SYAHRAIN JOHAN/ SYAJO / MEL. 19, partial OCD, indecisive, hopeless romantic: it's complicated. Respect for all, music, theatre, economics: it's a process.

diverse speeches what I'm currently loving RICO BLANCO/ Filipino artist / amazing musician / former RIVERMAYA lead vocalist Fav song: KAHIT WALANG SABIHIN & AMATS

Respect yourself by respecting others :)

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I remember when I was growing up, people would always say that I was an “Ida wannabe”. From the way I had my hair, the way I talk and the way I dress to the way carried myself. And I also remember hating it everytime people say those stuff about me. “I was not trying to be my sister, it just so happens that we like the same things!” was what I always replied, because the last time I checked, we were totally different persons.

My eldest sister is Syahida bt. Johan. 19 years old and she is indescribable. Even if I could describe her, it would be these adjectives; freak, emotional, soft-hearted and kind. These four words are all you would ever need to describe my sister.

When she was a kid, it would be fair to say that she was not really the same person as she is today. She always says that she was a brat back then eventhough it may not be the entire truth. However, that’s my sister. The type that always sees things through the negative point of view just so she could be a better person. The type that always know who she is, and is very sure that nobody understands her more than herself. The type that would accept reality but still finds the time to dream.

She was never the expressive type. You can never know what’s hiding behind the wide smile and the loud laugh she wears everyday. Despite the strong part that we see of her, she is quite insecure, just like every teenage girl. About her hair, her brains, her style, her looks.. the same things that I am going through right now. Instead of consoling it with her family or her friends, she expresses it through her poems and her blog. The poems she would stick on her bathroom door are only glimpses of her life because I know for a fact that she has a book full of her poems in it. And her blog is the medium she uses to tell her friends and family what she’s feeling. A way for other people to take a peek into the unpredictable life of the writing chick.

Her passion is literature and books, her interests are Japanese dramas and the Korean music industry, her treasures are her friends but her heart goes to her family. Our family is really important to both of us. I know for a fact that she would sacrifice just anything for the family.
Kak Ida is the type of niece that the uncle and aunties trust and give extra warmth to. They love her, truly. She respects them with all her heart. Kak Ida would also show the best example to the little kids who looks up to her. She would treat them nicely and make jokes with them and that is why you could always hear kids calling “Kak Ida! Kak Ida!!” all the time. And to her siblings and her cousins, she always wants to spend the time with them. The boys would tell her anything and the girls would depend on her all the time.

Eventhough at times, she can be extremely emotional and her neat-freak character could sometimes annoy people, people would always know to look pass all of that and see who she really is. The girl who would cry when she sees an old woman walking alone, the girl who makes friends with everyone who smiles at her including the bookstore lady, the cleaning lady and the guard in front of the library, the girl who is always willing to give someone a second chance and would never give up on them, and the girl who would put everyone else before herself. It is not hard to see these things in her simply because she has more good traits and bad ones.

When I would wake up at night and become my usual scaredy-cat self, I would always wake her up eventhough she herself don’t get enough sleep but she would never complain about it in the morning. When she goes out with her friends, she would always come home with something for her two younger sisters. When she thinks she disappointed our ayah, she would give herself a hard time and sometimes cry about it. When she finds out something sad about someone else, she couldn’t help but to bother herself about it too.

Kak Ida has the best heart in the world, and I’m not just saying it because she’s my sister.


Maybe because of these things about her that I do not like to be called her wannabe. Because I know, whatever I do, I could never be kinder, I could never be more understanding, I could never be prettier, I could never be able to pronounce or enunciate words better, I could never be more giving and I could never be more loved than her. No matter how hard I try, my second sister and I can never be Kak Ida. And you know what, I’ve always been fine with it, because if I could be even half of who she is right now, I would be more than thankful. All my life, she has been my idol. Now, if people say I am a Kak Ida wannabe, I take it as the greatest compliment I could ever receive.

* *

Last night, Kak Ida got on a plane to Greenwich, London to continue her studies on English Literature and Creative Writing. Almost the whole family was there to send her off, from the parents who watched her grow up to the cousins who grew up with her, there were a lot of tears shed. I know that each and everyone of them don’t want her to go, but just like me, we want the best for Kak Ida. And if letting go means that she could achieve her dreams, we would do so.

It is hard for ayah to see Kak Ida go, just like how it was hard for him to see my two brothers went away to further their studies before Kak Ida. Ayah already flipped through through the photo album and took out a picture of her and Kak Ida with him and pasted it on his table. Mak is sad too, of course, but she’s being strong.. typical mak, kan akak?


Dear Akak,

Akak jangan risau pasal mak ngan ayah kat sini, Mel, Abang Id, Kak Iwa and Abang Long are here :) I hope you do your best in your studies and become a best-selling author or whatever you’re planning to do. Make our parents proud, which I’m sure you will. I do not doubt that you would be fine there. Just remember that your family are behind you 100%.

When Abang Id and Abang Long went away, you wrote to them like I’m writing to you. I did my best, I can’t write as great as you can but I did really try. I love you and already missing you. I know I wouldn’t get used to nobody getting angry when she sees mat rempits, or someone shouting asking me to take in my clothes from the sofa, or someone leaning her head on me in the car because she wants to sleep the whole car ride or having so much space in the back of the car when ayah and mak brings me and Kak Iwa out. No, I’m not going to get used to it.. not anytime soon.
Just know one thing, I am sure you’ll be great there. Whilst you’re wondering how you’re going to settle down over there, I’m wondering how I’m going to survive here without you around as often. But you know what, we’ll both be alright. I just know it.

Love,
Mel.

Labels: family, thoughts